Their

Experiences.

Going through this process and talking with the Bishop has prepared me to go to the Temple, and helped me feel worthy to enter there. There is no greater joy than feeling that your life is pleasing to the Lord, and that you are worthy to have the Spirit in your life, and know that you have been forgiven. The first day I talked with the Bishop, and shared what was in my heart, I felt my burdens lightened and lifted. I knew I was not alone. I felt the Lord reaching out to me in love and understanding and mercy. I knew that talking with the Bishop was the right thing to do. I know that our leaders are inspired, and love us, and truly want us to come closer to Christ. The Lord suffered for all of our pains, weaknesses, doubts, heartaches, and He did it in the Garden of Gethsemane. His pain is now over, and because of what He did, we can have joy now, and every day of our lives. I have felt the Holy Ghost fill my heart and soul as I have pondered upon the sacrifice of my Savior for me, and what it means to me, and how it applies to my life.

Where I was weak, I feel strengthened. I have come to realize the meaning of this scripture (Ether 12:27): "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me, for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." We are all in need of our Mediator, Jesus Christ. There will always be something we are working on to become more like Him. And it's meant to be that way. I have learned that conversion is a step by step process, where the Lord knows our hearts, and righteous desires. Miracles happen, and we become more like Christ as we turn to Him. "Old things are done away, and all things have become new." I know with all my heart that through Christ, we can become new creatures, sons and daughters of God. Pres. Benson said, "When you choose to follow Christ, you choose to be changed." I have felt this amazing change throughout my life because of the Savior.

This process has helped me stay on the path and hold to the iron rod. It feels wonderful, because it has made the Lord a partner as I have sincerely turned to Him and tried to overcome any doubts, fears, and weaknesses that have held me back from feeling that I am worthy. I know with all my heart that the Gospel is true, that God lives, and that I am a child of God. This knowledge has added great strength to my life and my soul, and has helped fortify me in making righteous decisions and choices in the face of worldly distractions that cause pain and could lead me down the wrong path from where God wants me to be. The Savior has kept the scars on His hands and feet as a reminder for us what He has already done in the Garden of Gethsemane. Christ no longer carries the weight of our pains and sins and weaknesses, because His incomprehensible act of love has been done. We, too, must turn to Him in faith, and lay our burdens at His feet, and let them go. I have been able to let them go, and feel the indescribable joy of God's love and peace more fully, and more often. I have forgiven myself, which was a very joyful step. Miracles have happened. There is no need to carry any burdens. Let them go.

Put your life and will in the Savior's hands. Because of Him, we can have joy now. The Atonement is real. With God, all things are possible. This gospel is true. I am grateful that there is always something I can improve on in my life, because it draws me nearer to my Savior, and makes Him a partner in all that I do. His guidance and strength and peace are the greatest blessings in my life. I know that God lives, and that Jesus is our Savior and Redeemer. I have felt the strengthening and enabling power of the Atonement come into my life and heart. Christ can heal our souls, and the wonderful thing is He wants to, again and again! Talking with the Bishop, and going through this inspired process has truly blessed my life. My prayers have truly been answered. I have felt God's redeeming love. The day that I told the Bishop what was on my mind, I immediately felt the Lord reaching out to me in mercy and divine love. I felt encircled in His arms. I knew that He knows me personally and individually, who I am trying to become, what I've done, and how to make me more like Him.

Reading the scriptures, and applying them to what I am feeling and thinking and going through, and the Savior's role in my life, has made a world of difference. The scriptures have come alive to me, and I have feasted upon the word of God, and my soul has been filled. Each time I met with the Bishop, I looked for a scripture that applied. I felt so blessed, and found so many scriptures that increased my understanding of the Atonement and gospel principles in my life. I can testify that the Book of Mormon is truly a witness of Christ, and as we feast, we are filled with His Spirit, and the eyes of our understanding are opened. My desires have changed for the better, and I have felt greater peace and joy come into my life. The answers we seek are in the scriptures.

"Draw near unto me, and I will draw near unto you; Seek me diligently and ye shall find me; Ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." — D&C 88:63

I love the Lord with all my heart. I know He loves us. He knows us, and our potential. I read the following scripture after I had let my burdens go. What a promise! "Peace, peace be unto you, because of your faith in my Well Beloved, who was from the foundation of the world" (Hel 5:47). I am so excited to apply these principles throughout the rest of my life.

This has been such a wonderful experience for me, not at all what I expected when I first came in to talk to the Bishop, and just what I needed. I can definitely say that my testimony of and appreciation for forgiveness, the Atonement, and the love my Savior has for me has grown enormously. It has always been something I've believed, but my testimony and understanding of it has grown so much, and now having learned this process, I know it will continue to grow as I put it into practice throughout my life. I will forever be grateful for the decision I made to come and see the Bishop and for this process he taught me. I can't express the gratitude enough. That feeling of knowing you are going down the wrong path and wanting so much to change but not knowing exactly how, that feeling of almost hopelessness, is gone now. I know more than ever that through the power of the Atonement that is exactly what we are given — hope.

We know that repentance and forgiveness is possible, and even more than that, we realize that because of certain experiences and challenges, and recognizing our weaknesses, weak things really can be made strong. If we take it to our Father in Heaven, go through the steps to change — I suddenly have felt His help so much in my life that I feel like as long as I do everything I can to stay close to Him and keep the goals I have made, I will only become stronger and be a better person because of these experiences. And it's only because of the Atonement that could ever be possible — that the sad and difficult things in our lives can actually become blessings and we can see things from a new perspective.

It seems so undeserved sometimes, all that I know the Savior did for me, the great amount of love He shows to me, but I feel it more than ever. I know He wants us all to be happy and return to Him. And that is why through the Spirit He prompts us to do something that is so difficult in the beginning — recognize and confess what we are doing wrong, take a sincere look at ourselves and our actions even though it can hurt, and then realize that with His help we can change the path we are on and all that we have done can truly be wiped away if we are sincere. We get to start over again. He knows that is the only way we can live with peace and be truly happy. And it's all possible because of what He was willing to do for us.

I will always remember that feeling of relief after writing out the last words of everything I wanted to have wiped away — it was so hard to write, but when it was done it felt so wonderful to have let it all out and know that I could give it to the Savior. Not only that, but the process of writing it out helped me so much to be able to see my own thought processes and patterns of behavior — to know what I needed to change so that I did not go down that same path again. It's such a wonderful way to know how to do the second part of the repentance process, not just feel sorrow for what was done and confess it, but know what led you there and what you have to do so that you never do it again — forsake it.

The scriptures and principles of the gospel that I have always loved have taken on even new meanings for me. I will truly be forever grateful for this experience. And in those difficult moments and when the spirit is weak, I will have these words to look back on and remember, and I will be able to use this process as I continuously try to repent and do better.

I used to always believe that wonderful things were possible and were going to happen in my life. But then I think after certain experiences and trials — trials that I was not expecting — somewhere along the way I lost that faith and hope without realizing it. But now I feel like it's back again. I truly do believe that beautiful and wonderful things are possible and more than that, I believe they are going to happen. The only decision I have to make is to live the gospel, and happiness and peace and wonderful blessings will be mine forever, no matter what happens in the future. I love this gospel and I know it's true. I know Jesus Christ is my Savior. I know He loves me. I know that I will never be left alone. All I have to do is go to Him, and He will help me forever. I am so grateful for this experience and for the blessings I have been given. I will try so hard to always live what I know and share what I know, and I know that I have Him by my side to help me do this.

I've worked with several Bishops over the past couple of years and have had many wrenching experiences with confession. There were several times when I wondered if I fully recalled all I wanted to lay at the Bishop's feet and hoping I was fully forgiven. However, coming into Bishop Howard's office was different. After my confession he asked me to watch my life movie and bring a list of anything I wouldn't want anyone else to see. I was slightly puzzled as I thought my job was done. I was taken aback at how many items of baggage I had been lugging around.

I examined my list and felt ashamed I hadn't gotten rid of some of the items sooner as they had remained there for a decade. Meeting with the Bishop again, he gave me another assignment to detail my list with the progression to the sin and my feelings after. I knew it was not going to be a fun stroll through these memories, so I studied the scriptures extra to feel God's love for me before I began my assignment. This particular time, I got everything out. Everything I felt unsure of — which I had repented of in the past as well — because I wanted to make sure my hands were completely clean. I felt relieved.

I thought this time I was bringing my full confession and my work with the Bishop was complete. Again, I was wrong as the Bishop asked me to prepare my learning of a scripture on the Atonement — just as every time we had met — however this time to write it over in red ink over my written confession. I felt as though the assignment was similar to that of the outdated punishments of writing a sentence repeatedly. As I obediently began this assignment, something began to change in how I felt.

As I began to literally see how this red ink covered over my grievous sins, I began to understand how the Atonement works and how God can remember no more. My heart was rejoicing with every line of the page being covered. I felt the love my Savior has for me as He had already suffered for those things I had written so that I could return back to the presence of my Father. I felt my slate wiped clean as if I had been baptized all over again. My heart filled with gratitude as I understood more clearly the Plan of Salvation.

I know I was brought to this ward to meet with Bishop Howard at this time in my life. I was ready to further develop my testimony of my Savior and of the Atonement. I understand now that through the time I have used to more fully grow closer to Heavenly Father and become reconciled to Him through my Savior, my testimony has grown drastically. I know the Atonement is real and it takes faith and effort to come unto Christ. I now have joy and it is through obedience to my Priesthood leader that I have found it. Believe me, it works.

Sometimes we wonder why we have been placed in our positions. Why has God chosen to put me here? What good am I to do? I really hope that you never find yourself thinking those thoughts.

I know I am not the first person you have helped back onto the strait and narrow, and I won't be the last.

I don't know how you came to be the man you are today, but I am grateful you are. I have seen many Bishops in my life. I have loved them for the good they do. There has never been a Bishop that I couldn't see why he was called — they were all good men and true to their calling.

I feel that they may not have been as meticulous. I feel that you get down to the nitty-gritty, the dark corners. No one has ever had me "wash behind my ears" — if you will. At one point you said to me, "I just try to get out of the way," referring to bringing people back to Christ. And you have done that. I know now that the point of a Bishop is to be the speaker box for Christ and the microphone for us to speak to Him. You were a vessel for communication for me when there were things I needed to know. You placed your hands on my head so Heavenly Father could speak to me. I thank you, Bishop, for fulfilling your calling in the greatest degree. I have a true testimony of the Priesthood and what it is for and who holds the keys.

Thank you for helping my hand find its way back to the iron rod after I let go.

Heavenly Father never lets go.

I didn't realize at the time that I wasn't whole. All I knew was that something was wrong.

Dating wasn't the problem. I was the girl that never had a problem getting asked out. I went on several first dates a week. I loved dating. Getting into a relationship wasn't a problem. I've been a "girlfriend" most of my life. The problem for me was long-term, heading-toward-marriage relationships. It's not that I didn't want to get married. I was picky — yes — but shouldn't everyone be picky about the person they will spend eternity with?

I absolutely didn't go on a second date with a guy that I couldn't see eventually leading me to the altar. I wasn't going to let my heart get attached to any guy no matter how charming, unless we shared the same ambitions, goals, dreams, and most of all standards. I wanted a man who shared my standards of living the gospel. I felt like I knew pretty well what it was going to take to have a happy and successful marriage. So I was on a hunt to find the right man. I got very good at analyzing a date. I could completely pick him apart and eliminate him on the first date. I did have feelings for those special boys I'd allow further — I wouldn't be a good girlfriend if I didn't. My feelings were never long-lasting, however. I wouldn't let myself get too attached because I knew it was only a matter of time until I would rule him out, just like every other guy.

As relationships progressed into the second and third month, looking back, I can see that I was subconsciously sabotaging them. Most of the men I dated will be wonderful husbands and fathers that fulfill their Priesthood duty. The problem then was me. I have only come to this conclusion after many hours in the Bishop's office discussing the reason why a girl like me would still be in a singles ward after nearly ten years of heavy dating. This is when the Process began.

My Bishop and I decided that I had "baggage." This baggage had been building from the time I was in the second grade — most of it formed from unhealthy experiences with men. My naïve childhood was abruptly taken away by two very devastating experiences early in high school. In both instances my agency to say "no" was also taken away. It is hard for most people to understand what it feels like to be unable to control a situation. As a young 95-lb female in high school I will never forget those terrifying and humiliating experiences. There is no doubt in my mind that any person would carry a certain amount of baggage after having such experiences. In fact I believe that all people carry baggage without even realizing it. Whenever we are offended or hurt by others it leaves a mark. Those marks can heal and we can be whole — if we make a conscious effort to relieve ourselves of that baggage. This does not mean to try to forget and let time heal us. We cannot simply sweep these pains under the rug. It is a process. This process might take time and work on our part, but if it is completed, we will be whole.

For years I held hard feelings against men, without even realizing it. As much as I thought I wanted to get married, I didn't really want to be. I didn't want to get hurt, and that was what men had done to me in the past. I was scared of marriage. I didn't trust men because of my past.

When the Bishop first told me about his theory of "the rubber band ball," I went along with it. I had no idea at the time that it would alter the course of my life. He explained to me that I was carrying baggage. I didn't feel weighed down, but I knew that the past was affecting my future. He told me to think back as far as I could remember to the first "rubber band" which started this large ball I was now carrying on my shoulders. He told me that any experience I could remember that had an emotion attached to it was a rubber band on my ball.

He held an actual rubber band ball up for me in his office. He showed how you must take one off at a time or you cannot undo the ball. I held it and it was heavy. I understood the importance of this process. The Spirit told me at the time that what he was telling me was true. Each pain I was holding needed to be addressed one at a time and I needed to let it go. I could only let these very difficult experiences go as I saw them the way God sees them. I had to understand each person the way the Lord understands them. The Atonement of Christ has already paid for these pains and sins. It has also paid for the sins of others. These sins of theirs were hurting me so much. It was altering the course of my life. Why was I hanging on to them? I didn't mean to. I just didn't understand how to let them go. Christ suffered and died for these sins that were plaguing me. Why did I also need to suffer over them? We shouldn't — but subconsciously we hang on to them. It is only human to do so.

After writing nearly a novel, I returned to my Bishop. I showed him the work I had done. I had fulfilled the process completely. I had finished my side of the bargain. And the Lord had also fulfilled His side. I was a different person.

I met the man I would marry one month later. Still trying to be cautious, I did not marry him for a year. I want to say we're the happiest couple alive, but I haven't met every couple alive. I am truly happy. I never imagined in my many years of being single I could feel these feelings. It's a higher level of happiness than I could even understand at that time. Hard times will still come. Trials must be a part of this life, but the Lord does not require us to carry the heavy burdens of our sins or the sins of others. He provided the Atonement for this very reason. My dreams are actively coming true. I am dreaming bigger and farther than I could have without my eternal partner.

The Bishop followed the promptings of the Spirit and I trusted his counsel. I have been eternally blessed and the course of my life has been altered. I know that this process will make you whole — even if you don't think that you are not whole at this time. The process must be complete and thorough. We all carry baggage. It is our human nature. There isn't a thing in this world of worth that you do not have to work to obtain. When you follow the Spirit, however, the work will be made easy. Our burdens will be made light and the process will flow. It will take trust and faith, but it will be worth it. I can promise you that.

Before I ever made an appointment with Bishop Howard, I had a desire to change. I had been to several bishops for the same reason — immorality. At the end of each meeting I felt forgiven, but always wondered if there was something I missed telling him about or if I should have gone into a little more detail in some areas. During my first appointment with Bishop Howard, he told me about the rubber band ball. It made sense to me and I realized that one of the reasons I kept making the same mistakes was that I was not completely getting everything off my ball. I needed to let go of not only the big things, but everything. Since I had not done so, the things on my ball still lived in the back of my mind and this made it easier for them to pop up again.

So I did as I was asked and made a list of what I needed to take care of. I felt a little uneasy and embarrassed about some of the things I had written. Seeing it on paper was a shock. I realized there was more on my ball than I had originally thought. After looking over each item on my list, Bishop Howard asked me to write out an even more detailed list of how each event came about — what led up to it. Again, I went home and did as I was asked. I was even more embarrassed after writing how each event happened because I noticed a trend. Each time I would do almost the exact same thing and with the exact same outcome. I also wrote on my list the feelings I felt at the time. I realized how selfish I was being and how it only gave me momentary pleasure, for afterwards I truly felt guilt in my heart.

After my next appointment I was able to write over the list in red ink. This was my favorite step in the whole process. I will never forget the feeling that I felt as I wrote over my list. I knew that the red ink represented the blood of the Savior. I knew that only through Him, was it possible for me to be clean and my sins remembered no more. As I took my list into Bishop, he looked at it and gave me a temple interview right on the spot. He challenged me to go to the temple every week. I have never felt more clean in my life than that day when I left his office.

I had noticed a change in myself. Not only did I know that I had been forgiven, but I honestly had a true desire to change the person that I was. I felt the love of the Savior and wanted to make Him proud. I continued on meeting with Bishop Howard and was able to set roadblocks up that would help me stay clean. As I lived by my roadblocks, was more dedicated in my calling, attended the temple every week, and did the little things such as read my scriptures and pray, I felt true happiness. I had never felt closer to my Heavenly Father. My faith grew, I had hope for the future, and blessing after blessing began to come into my life. I felt invincible, like nothing could hold me down.

I wish I could end my story right there, unfortunately there is more. After a time, I began to slip in the little things. I still was praying and reading my scriptures, but it was more going through the motions. As time went on, physical desires began to creep up again. Although things did not go to the extent of what had happened in the past, the guilt was still there and I needed to repent again. Once more I found myself meeting with Bishop Howard. I wrote a new list — but I also found that most of my list were feelings I had, rather than sinful acts. These were feelings I had left off my first list. I had feelings of doubt in myself, sadness, negative thinking, worry about my future, and things of that nature.

After writing over this new list with red ink, I once again felt forgiven. I realized that Jesus not only suffered for my wrong doings in life, but also for any sadness, sickness, doubt, or any other feelings of hurt I had felt. The pain felt after each heartbreak, He felt. The doubt that I will never be good enough, He has felt. He suffered for everything.

I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ I have been made clean again. He had to go through all the pain and hurt of the world in order to truly understand what each one of us goes through here on this earth. When we feel alone, we are not. Jesus has been there and knows exactly how to help us through our struggles. Our future is as bright as our faith. We need to have faith that Heavenly Father loves us — because He does. More than we know. We need to have faith that He hears and answers our prayers — because He does. We need to have faith that He has a plan for us — because He does.

I do not know what my future has in store for me, but I move forward with faith. I love the quote "Come what may and love it." That is all we can do. I am going to look for the good in every situation. I am going to serve others. I am going to follow the commandments. I am going to stay as close to the Savior as I can. That is where I feel true happiness. I know as I do these things that my life will be blessed and through the Atonement of Christ I will be able to live with my Heavenly Father again. I am thankful for Bishop Howard. He is truly inspired, and is here to help us.